Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow…..
“Wow, said the presenter” “this is a very rare breed, I wonder what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks” replied Paddy
Paddy and Murphy were on a building site. Suddenly a slate falls off the roof, slicing Paddy’s ear off! Murphy finds it a says: “Is this your ear Paddy?”
No said Paddy, mine had a pencil behind it….
During an Irish funeral, the pallbearers carrying the coffin accidentally bump into a wall and immediately hear a faint moan. After opening the coffin they realise the woman is still alive! And She goes on to live for another ten years before she dies. There is another funeral for her, after the service, whilst they are again carrying her out to her place of rest, the husband cries out
“Watch out for the wall!” … Tis true
A married couple in their 60’s are visited by a fairy, who grants them both a wish! “I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” replies the wife
Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand
Husband says “Sorry, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”
The fairy waves the wand and husband becomes 92
Moral of the story – Men who are ungrateful should remember, fairies are female.
Paddy is on his final question for One Million pound, he has only one life-line left…. phone a friend. “Which bird does not make a nest, A Sparrow, A Swallow, A Blackbird or a Cuckoo?
Paddy calls Murphy, Murphy answers, “It definitely the Cuckoo Paddy 100% !! Paddy wins the million! Later on Paddy rings Murphy “Murphy How the hell did you know that?”
Murphy say, “Paddy ye thick git, sure everyone knows the Cuckoo lives in a clock!”
You will know you’re Irish when, you’re strangely poetic after a few beers,
You don’t know the words, but that doesn’t stop you from singing,
The person that you insult most, is probably your best friend,
You’re scared of the wooden spoon,
You have no idea of how to make a long story short,
‘For the Craic’ is the best reason for doing anything,
Saying ‘I will yeah’ means you definitely won’t,
Tea is the solution to every problem,
And you have a gift for cursing…
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better….