You’re retired not expired

So what did you do at the weekend?…. So what did you hear? (you’re only old once.  You’re retired, not expired) Never stop living!

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True Love

True Love: An 84 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the Judge in a Dublin courthouse, he asked her, “what did you steal?” She replied, “a can of peaches” The judge asked her why she had stolen a can of peaches and she replied because she was hungry. Then the judge asked her “how many peaches were in the can?” to which she replied 6.  The judge said, “then I will give you 6 days in jail” – Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge…

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Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?” Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.” Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.” Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?” Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.” Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.” Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

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If you could kick the person in the ass

If you could kick the person in the ass for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt said that.

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Finnegan in the Confession box

Finnegan, drunk as usual, walks into the chapel and goes straight into the confession box.  The priest waits and waits for Finnegan to say something.  Finally the priest pounds on the wall of the confession box. Finnegan yells back, “There’s no use asking me, There’s no toilet roll on this side either”      

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