Paddy and Murphy (and Mick)

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both” Paddy and Murphy are on incapacity benefit, claiming to be deaf. They are sent for a check up. Paddy says, “crafty feckers caught me out, told me to “close the door and I did” Murphy says, “Sure they tried the same trick with me but I was too smart for that, I told them to “Close the fecking door themselves” Paddy says…

View Post

Poor oul Paddy…….

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow….. “Wow, said the presenter” “this is a very rare breed, I wonder what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” “Sticks” replied Paddy Paddy and Murphy were on a building site.   Suddenly a slate falls off the roof, slicing Paddy’s ear off!  Murphy finds it a says: “Is this your ear Paddy?” No said Paddy, mine had a pencil behind it…. During an Irish funeral, the pallbearers carrying the coffin accidentally bump into a wall and immediately hear a faint moan.  After opening the coffin they realise the woman…

View Post

You’re retired not expired

So what did you do at the weekend?…. So what did you hear? (you’re only old once.  You’re retired, not expired) Never stop living!

View Post

True Love

True Love: An 84 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the Judge in a Dublin courthouse, he asked her, “what did you steal?” She replied, “a can of peaches” The judge asked her why she had stolen a can of peaches and she replied because she was hungry. Then the judge asked her “how many peaches were in the can?” to which she replied 6.  The judge said, “then I will give you 6 days in jail” – Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge…

View Post

Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?” Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.” Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.” Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?” Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.” Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.” Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

View Post